All Tennis Clothes Suck Except For Vintage Tennis Tees

Here's 50+ vinty tenny tees for the heads and the princes

Once you figure out your Continental vs Western grip, the second thing tennis enthusiasts of any level will immediately notice is how trash the contemporary performance gear is. Third, you’ll quickly learn that anyone who pulls up to the court decked in NASA-level fabrics from the big brands is 100% guaranteed a hardo who thinks they play like Ben Shelton, but more than likely is about to Been Shittedon.

Remember those kids who’d show up to little league with the most expensive pro model glove that hadn’t been broken in, wore eyeblack for some reason, and replicated the at-bat routine and stance of a juiced millionaire, all instead of, like, just having fun? All of those guys grew up to be Siegelman Stable wearing sycophantic SVPs, and the ones who didn’t make pickleball their personality and stuck with tennis now cosplay as Big Foe, but truly just look more Big Hoe.

Chances are these foos are the guys who cheer double faults; the schmucks who always give 50-50 calls to themselves; the mfs who claim they could, in a full set, take at least one game off Serena Williams. And they’re doing all that in the worst fits you’ve ever seen.

I mean, look at this shit! This is just a poopoo platter of a cursory cruise through the big boys’ on-court offerings:

Oh, your shirt looks like a neon POSITIVE VIBES ONLY sign had sex with a streetwear mural, and then a professional athlete wore it? Very cool. Now it’s my life’s mission to yo-yo you corner to corner, draw you in with a low short slice that brings you stumbling to the net with zero conviction, and then plop a lob six inches inside the baseline that somehow dredges up memories of how your father failed you.

(But forreal, if you’re gonna play for more than two hours or have extra sensitive nippies, wear a performance fabric top.)

I realize I’m being kind of an anti-snob snob right now. Tennis is an elitist, imperfect sport, and right now it’s a thing that brands are annoyingly trying to make The Thing. But when it comes to actual on-court jawnz, take an informal poll of any stroker homies whose personal style you respect and I guarantee 90 to 100% of them will say they just wear throwaway tees or vintage tennis tees when they play. It’s an easy signifier that you love the game, but you’re neither a fuckin nerd nor a zealot.

Plus, vintage tennis tees are a relatively untapped well of swag that hasn’t hit cloutflation yet.

On the eve of the US Open and tennis madness hitting a feverish pitch, here’s 50+ vintage tees that range in price from like $10 to $100 with some pricier grails thrown in. And some fun context and thoughts written out as well. See you in Flushing!